And I can, well, except for that time that I was sitting in a Vietnamese restaurant in Oakland, and looked over my chopsticks at the next table, and on the other side from one beautiful lady was a woman with a crewcut. I mentally grimaced. Then the gorgeous creature turned around and she was a man with long, thick, breck-girl, jet-black hair. I mentally sickened. Then last week I took rapid transit into San Francisco to pass out gospel tracts at the Gay Pride festivities. Their celebration includes dozens of booths selling food, magazines, paraphernalia, and men's skirts. Yes. You exclaim, "Men's Skirts?!?!" I ambivantly reply, "Yes, and what of it? They weren't woman's skirts." They were uniquely male skirts, you see. And plenty of men with another man by his side were wearing a male skirt. And I could tell that they were both men. Well, I would have known if they were men if they had even worn women's skirts. Some sort of detection ability reminiscent of Sherlock Holmes, I have. Several of these men in skirts did remind me of an old Fred Flinstone cartoon, where Fred was dressed in drag. It didn't take rocket science, folks; not even Barney for that matter. But the men in San Francisco were scooping up these skirts like former President Clinton at an intern convention.
But I digress. I announce to all men (microphone feedback). You are (even more feedback) free to wear dresses! (Stunned silence) All of you John Waynes, Teddy Roosevelts, and Lyle Alzados? Go get your dresses. (Pin drop) Only one stipulation: (Light Murmur) It must be a male skirt or dress! (Cheers) Why? In the Bible in Deuterononomy 22:5, God said this:
The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God.At this time, I want to break to give you some vital and important fashion history. Men and women at that time, when Deuteronomy was written, both wore robes. They had not yet invented lycra or blue suede shoes. The sewing machine was not right around the corner. They (hush) had male robes and female robes. So do you know what that means? That means that today we get to wear the same kind of clothes as each other! That's what that mainly means. Yes! And if it doesn't mean that, it means: Don't be a transvestite! (This latter interpretation provided so that your bases will be covered.) (You're welcome.) But what it really means to you men is: Go out and get a male dress or skirt!
Now what it doesn't mean is: Women go put on pants. Why? You've already done that (giggle). Emilia Bloomer started you down that path, followed by Rosie the Riveter, and then the bell bottom. Pants are now female dress. Don't even worry about wearing "woman's pants." That doesn't mean anything anyway, unless you are debating some unsophisticated, neanderthal who wants to keep you in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant. Then you need to tell him (it) that you get women's pants in the women's department and everyone knows that they are different than men's. Did you ever see a man try to put on a pair of woman's pants? (ILOL [infinite lots of laughs]) They're shaped different. "You mean women?" No silly (three stooges poke in both eyes), the pants are shaped different. They make them different for women. "Yer kiddin!?!" Yes, Einstein. Everyone knows that women's pants are different than men's. "They're tighter?!?" (three stooges cuff on both ears) Yes!! I mean, No!! See what you've done; you've got me all confused now. They aren't tight. Well, you can get them tight, but you can get them loose too. I'm really through talking to you anyway. This really isn't a forum for people from the looney fringe. Women are already wearing pants, so Deuteronomy 22:5 means, "Men wear male skirts."