Not reconciling, Jesus says is comparable to murder. Someone says he's a Christian, so why wouldn't he initiate reconciliation or welcome someone else doing so? If someone is saved, he would. He wouldn't continue making excuses for not reconciling with the people he can and should. This is not as much as possible living peaceably with all men, it is not being a peacemaker, it is rejecting a ministry of reconciliation, is not loving a neighbor, and not endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit. I could say he's just disobedient and unrepentant, but there are often underlying causes that should be explored.
Two root origins of reluctance or unwillingness to reconcile, as told by scripture and what I've seen in my experience, are, first, lust or the opposite of which is not acknowledging goodness, essentially the goodness of God, because, as we've previously considered, relationship is hierarchical. Children might ignore all their parents have done for them, choosing instead to hone in on what they might think they are missing because of their lust. This is discontent.
Both the first and the second are related, but second, someone doesn't get his way, and he just wants his way or is proud. Lust and pride are closely related. Both elevate self. For instance, there's someone I want to reconcile with right now, same person I mentioned earlier, but this person won't talk or listen with no good reason given. It's both lust and pride. These are the direct opposite of love.
Lust or Not Acknowledging Goodness
Before someone is forgiving and stops holding grudges, that is, puts away all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamour, evil speaking, and malice (Ephesians 4:31), he might "esteem other[s] better than [him]self" and "look not . . . on his own things, but . . . also on the things of others" (Philippians 2:3-4), which is the mind that was in Christ Jesus (Philippians 2:5). The strife that occurs and continues between people James describes in his epistle (James 4:1-2):
1 From whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members? 2 Ye lust, and have not: ye kill, and desire to have, and cannot obtain: ye fight and war, yet ye have not, because ye ask not.Most often the divisions relate to lust, even as James evinces. Wars and fightings come because someone wants something more than the relationship. If the relationship doesn't allow for him to have what he wants, he will shuck the relationship for the thing. Or a kind of relationship that favors lust. A teenager fights with his parents over a girl. He has no future with the girl, but he wants her, and his parents don't want the pairing. Think Samson. The strife proceeds from the lust.
In Romans 2:4, Paul asks:
Or despisest thou the riches of his goodness and forbearance and longsuffering; not knowing that the goodness of God leadeth thee to repentance?
A relationship is a choice of something (really someone) over something (someone) else. Someone might give up on a relationship if he doesn't see goodness there, which pertains to what he thinks goodness is. Goodness is different than pleasure. Goodness asks, what is best? Pleasure asks, what makes me feel like I want? Goodness is eternal. Pleasure is temporal. This is a choice of faith. Moses chose "rather to suffer affliction with the people of God, than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season" (Hebrews 11:25). Suffering is antithetical to pleasure, and yet Moses chose that, because it was good, the suffering, because it was about the people of God.
Someone enjoys the pleasures of sin for a season, but he sacrifices meaning and fulfillment. The person is pleased but God isn't pleased. Goodness versus pleasure often pits young people against parents. Parents instruct and discipline, which relate to goodness, while young friends, entertainment, and fun constitute the pleasure that competes with the goodness parents offer. Parents say, no, and friends say, yes. More parents now, probably a vast majority, exclude discipline for bribery. They are afraid of losing a relationship with their children.
In the same context as the above James 4, the previous chapter in James (3:15-16)
15 This wisdom descendeth not from above, but is earthly, sensual, devilish. 16 For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work.
Envying and strife arise from the counterfeit wisdom of the world, which offers the earthly, sensual, and devilish. Fleshly things and earthy things, things that don't go beyond this life, cause the actual problems in relationship. On the other hand, (James 3:17-18):
17 But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy. 18 And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.
Righteousness, not lust, pairs with peace. The division comes from centering on pleasure. The relationship churches know the appetites especially of millennials, so they accentuate fun activities tailored for varied age groups and then eliminate restrictions. Drinking, fine. Immodesty, yes. Sensual music, right on. This was a major aspect of the deceit for the church at Corinth. The ecstatic feelings from the gratification fabricate spirituality, like what occurred in Ephesus as well. These churches provide a form of religious syncretism that doesn't please God. It especially deceives young people.
When someone considers the goodness of God and so chooses God, he follows Paul's mandate of Colossians 3:2:
Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth.
Fulfillment comes from things above, not from the things of the earth. This conforms to the Apostle Paul's teaching through the first two chapters of Colossians, that we are complete in Christ. David writes in Psalm 16:11,
Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.
True satisfaction is found in God, but that choice must be made. Will it be the earthly, sensual pleasures of this world, or the fulness of joy and pleasure for evermore? The love of Jesus for the church is a sanctifying love, which models the husband's love for his wife. Love, which sanctifies, doesn't necessarily feel romantic. Paul said love "rejoiceth not in iniquity" (1 Corinthians 13:6). If a husband loves his wife, parents love a child, and a friend loves his friend, they won't rejoice in the iniquity of a wife, child, or friend.
Scripture shows and I've witnessed lust the major impediment of reconciliation. The one who will not come to the reconciliation table wants something else more than the relationship either with God or the person. He or she is believing what Jonah 2:8 calls a "lying vanity." He doesn't want to be corrected, restricted, or told what to do. It's got to be on his terms.
Sin originates in man's lust. "But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed" (James 1:14). Reconciliation is better than sin. It is better than lust. Why? Because God is a good God, and He says, reconcile. No one is better off not doing what God wants him to do, the God Who has given him all good things.
Someone Wants His Own Way or Pride
In 1 Corinthians 13:5, Paul says love "seeketh not her own." Love doesn't have to have its own way. Sin is always the wrong way, but love itself doesn't have to have its own way. If it's a choice between righteousness or unrighteousness, love always chooses righteousness. Having one's own way sometimes is just not admitting he's doing anything wrong, what some might call, "digging in." If a person "gives in," he thinks he'll have to keep giving in. He doesn't want to do that, even if it's either right or a better way. Nothing can be a better way than his own way. Why? It's his. Reconciliation seems like a future of subordination and subjugation, where someone else's way dominates. Even if it is worse, and it usually is, his own way is better. Getting what he wants surpasses all other considerations.
Love does "give in." It doesn't seek it's own way. It wants the best way. Sometimes it accepts a lesser way, because it is someone else's way.
As an example of relationship, getting married isn't about getting your way. Like everything, it's still about God's way, which is the best way. Married people have to reconcile on a regular basis and "give in." Saved, married couples will do that. Reconciliation especially needs the leadership of a husband, who will either initiate or accept reconciliation.
The "commitment" of marriage is also a commitment to reconciliation. It has to be a commitment, or couples won't want to do it. It is the hardest part of marriage, reconciling and "giving in," letting someone else have his way. If someone has to have his way, he's not going to reconcile as a habit.
It's important to know how to reconcile, what the nuts and bolts of that are, but to start with, someone has to want to do it. He's got to believe in it. It starts with God, what God wants, and finding sufficiency in Him. If someone doesn't, he's not going to reconcile. This might be because he or she is not saved. He doesn't have what it takes on the inside, which leads him to believe lies. Either because of lust or pride, he or she is not ready to reconcile.
Someone Wants His Own Way or Pride
In 1 Corinthians 13:5, Paul says love "seeketh not her own." Love doesn't have to have its own way. Sin is always the wrong way, but love itself doesn't have to have its own way. If it's a choice between righteousness or unrighteousness, love always chooses righteousness. Having one's own way sometimes is just not admitting he's doing anything wrong, what some might call, "digging in." If a person "gives in," he thinks he'll have to keep giving in. He doesn't want to do that, even if it's either right or a better way. Nothing can be a better way than his own way. Why? It's his. Reconciliation seems like a future of subordination and subjugation, where someone else's way dominates. Even if it is worse, and it usually is, his own way is better. Getting what he wants surpasses all other considerations.
Love does "give in." It doesn't seek it's own way. It wants the best way. Sometimes it accepts a lesser way, because it is someone else's way.
As an example of relationship, getting married isn't about getting your way. Like everything, it's still about God's way, which is the best way. Married people have to reconcile on a regular basis and "give in." Saved, married couples will do that. Reconciliation especially needs the leadership of a husband, who will either initiate or accept reconciliation.
The "commitment" of marriage is also a commitment to reconciliation. It has to be a commitment, or couples won't want to do it. It is the hardest part of marriage, reconciling and "giving in," letting someone else have his way. If someone has to have his way, he's not going to reconcile as a habit.
It's important to know how to reconcile, what the nuts and bolts of that are, but to start with, someone has to want to do it. He's got to believe in it. It starts with God, what God wants, and finding sufficiency in Him. If someone doesn't, he's not going to reconcile. This might be because he or she is not saved. He doesn't have what it takes on the inside, which leads him to believe lies. Either because of lust or pride, he or she is not ready to reconcile.
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